Screeeeeeeeeee! OK. That’s my best representation of the sound the bus made as it came to an abrupt halt in front of us.
Before I tell the aftermath, let me bore you with a series of unfortunate events that led up to this short-lived noise pollution which often precedes protests by overworked and under-maintained tires that have seen worse traversing the deplorable roads of Lagos state.
How I managed to sit in front was still an amazement to me as I put on my seatbelt in a popular yellow-colored bus with two black stripes called danfo in Nigeria. Funny I listened to the song “Danfo drivers, suo” on the bus I rode to work this morning.
Danfo buses
We’ve been on the road for a couple of minutes and I must say, it seems I will get home earlier than usual cause the driver seems to love his job -- this is a rare ability among Lagos danfo drivers (despite the fact that he can’t keep his left hand off his phone).
“I mean, I know some humans would naturally want to jump a queue even if there were as few as two persons on it. It’s inborn, it’s probably a syndrome that would bid the time of some of the greatest psychologists in the world...”
However, while I was a bit worried, I was also impressed by the queue-changing ability of Oyibo (how the driver is fondly called other drivers and by his sidekick, sorry, his conductor). I know it takes a whole lot more to impress me, but that is not the main point of this true-life narrative of my yesterday which begs to be told to a noble few.
Something seems off, I can feel it. It can’t be but I think there’s something wrong with the tire I am sitting right on. Can’t Oyibo tell? The tire makes sounds like it’s all flat with on-air in it (or is it gas?!) and the metal wheel strikes the ground every second like there’s no protective rubber covering it.
No, perhaps I’m simply paranoid. Any doubts I had were cleared by the driver, who summoned Omoibo, the agile young man that conducts the bus. It’s confirmed – the tire definitely needs a trip to the doctor; in Nigerian English, it needs a fokanizer.
“One of the greatest worries of a Lagosian on the road is traffic. But that is nothing compared to the anxiety I felt as I watched other vehicles speed past us while we moved with the speed of Flash. I don’t mean the flash in detective comics, no no. I mean, Flash, the fastest sloth in all of zootopia, excluding the time he drives, which I guess is ironic since we’re driving and whatever...”
The point is, we were going sloooooooowly, yet here we are approaching traffic, a current feature of the journey between Obalende and Orile. What’s the worst that could happen? At least the driver is smart enough to know that he shouldn’t showcase his driving skills with an almost flat tire.
Let me close my eyes for a bit, who knows, a miracle just might happen. Eyes closed… Opened. It didn’t even qualify as a wink, but it wasn’t much; I hope Oyibo would not make much of a deal about it. That wish did come true with a huge clause.
So this happened: while the driver was being slow, and about to climb the bridge at costain, the driver of a bus owned by a company I would refer to as H, left his lane on the right and tried to come in front of our bus. Unfortunately, he calculated wrongly, twisted our mirror, and squeezed us to the side that we couldn’t move any further.
Oyibo, who is rightfully angry, queried the gentleman who tried to topple us over the bridge when we heard an unexpected outburst from the other driver. He cursed and dared Oyibo that if Oyibo passes his office, he would deal with Oyibo.
Startled but amused, our driver simply asked Oyibo how a servant could claim to own an office that obviously belongs to H Company; then all in the bus laughed along with the driver – I told you he loved his job. Anyway, we continued moving like a snail up the bridge after the H driver had sped of still raining threats on Oyibo.
Debates arise as we approached a split in the road ahead. Finally, oyibo succumbed to the pleas of the passengers and headed on straight to Orile rather than take the longer route through the industrial roads of Iganmu. Turns out Oyibo really wanted to pass the company’s office; if only he knew that walls – in this case, the walls of the bus – have ears.
Not up to one minute after the decision was made, despite our lack of speed, we met traffic, not the usual go-slow, but a complete stand-still. Who wants to sleep on the road?
The U-turn took quite a long time, then we drove and drove till we passed the office. The driver recalled the H driver’s threats and once again, the occupants of the bus roared with laughter. I smiled too but all I really wanted was to reach home safely.
We didn’t know that we were being chased, all the way from H, not until we turned to a street and was overtaken by the H bus. We stopped, the Screee sound was made and in flash, DC this time, the driver jumped out and tried to start a fight.
Not one to carry last, as most would say, Oyibo got down from the bus and, with his hands in fist form, engaged the driver in a fight, of course, in an amusing way.
I tried placing myself in the H driver’s shoes but I didn’t understand what must be going through his mind. He didn’t even look strong enough to beat up a tough child, not to talk of a macho like Oyibo. I concluded that he must be frustrated. If only he knew that there were better ways to calm his heart; if only I could tell him.
I felt two emotions within me at that point – anger and pity. The reason for being angry is obvious but I kind of pitied the driver when he realized that he was being surrounded by a crowd of persons (all from the bus I was in) that looked like they would trample on him like elephants on grass.
He was obviously terrified as lots of voices all targeted at him questioned and cursed. I couldn’t help but laugh when I noticed our driver already by his door, laughing and enjoying the scene like he wasn’t a part of the act.
Everyone’s back in the bus, and we continued our most interesting trip to Orile. After giving his well-received vote of thanks, Oyibo drove us all safely to Orile. Finally, I must say, I could take the next bus home.
As I mused about the events of that journey, I said to myself, why not write about it and bring smiles to some faces such as yours!
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